Reflections

The library has these large floor to ceiling windows in the reading room. When it gets dark out, they turn into mirrors, reflecting me and everything around me, but with a ghostlike silhouette. It's almost like looking into another world. I can see the reflections of the rows of books in the library illuminated by the tube lights above, but I can also make out the dark outline of the plaza outside, with the outline of the trees swaying back and forth every once in a while. It's an odd thing to notice.

So when you look at your reflection, are you looking into this world or into another? It looks similar, but it's not. Things are backwards, the mirror adds effects that don't normally exist. The mirror itself is not a perfect sheet of glass. The bends and curves distort the image, make some things look different from the way they really are.

Does memory do the same thing? When I reflect on my past, everything I've been thorough, my life now as compared to my life before, is my mind's mirror distorting things? It's hard to say. I've been feeling crappy for the past few days. Feeling crappy in several ways. For one thing, my throat is sore and I think I'm coming down with something. Secondly, I'm in another rut, the stress of law school and the onslaught of the exam period is starting to take its toll. I keep asking myself whether it was worth making this change. Sometimes I think yes, sometimes I think no. On the whole, I think it was worthwile. Certain aspects of my life are definitely better, and at times I'm much happier. On the other hand, the things that used to upset me at home in NY still upset me now, only now I bottle it up and it bothers me even more.

The one thing that's been eating away at me is the people situation here. I had a clean slate a few months back, and I've met a slew of new people. Many new classmates and friends. But how many of them are the real deal? It's not hard to notice that most of them aren't the same types of friends who I left at home. But some are, so that's a saving grace. I also think of chances I've squandered while here. Looking back, people gave me ample opportunities to get to know them, but me being my usual closed off self, blew those opportunities completely. Now they're acquiantances who I give the passing wave or smile, the occasional chit chat during or after class. It makes me wonder whether I'll ever get to know them on a deeper level.

But do people usually have deeper levels? I always thought so. But that's not always the case. What's really bizarre is that certain people here have little to no depth. It's so strange to realize that there are people who have almost no sophistication, and don't possess the capability to have any meaningful conversation beyond the topics of sports or girls. While with other people, there are endless layers and surprises as to how deep the rabbit holes of personality really go. Sometimes I wonder in which category I fit. It's hard to tell.