Pendulum Swinging

Time keeps going forward, so I guess it was inevitable that the pendulum swings back the other way.  I was having a really crappy week, but today seemed a bit better.  I wasn't feeling as lousy as I have been for a while. 

So I had a long talk with my parents the other night about a lot of stuff.  Some shouting, some talking, a lot of emotions.   They noticed I was being withdrawn and quiet, not wanting to say anything at all.  They wanted to know if I was ok.  So we talked.  Sometimes I feel like it's pointless trying to explain my thoughts to my dad.  He either takes offense, or tries to show me another point of view.  My mom, on the other hand, understands me far better.  In terms of the way our minds work, she and I are far more similar than me and my dad.  I guess I needed that. 

I'm not feeling as angry at my sister as I was.  Still haven't talked to her in a bit, but I'm not angry anymore.  I have no idea where that anger came from.  Part of it is her manner of speaking.  She embodies every pet peeve I have when she speaks to me.  People have said in the past how I somehow get angry when she's speaking, even if it's about something non-offensive.  But in the end, she's done quite a bit for me.  How are you supposed to react to genuinely cares about you, but pushes your anger buttons at the same time?  I guess that's typical sibling dynamics, and in my increasing bi-polarity, I guess it was just the pendulum swinging one way. 

On a better note, I got to hang around with Seema today.  She's great.  The type of friends who I can not be in touch with for nearly months on end, then meet up with her and catch up without missing a beat.  We hung around at the Barnes & Noble with the Starbucks attached.  B&N is a highly underrated hangout spot (for the truly geeky at heart, like myself). 

So now that I'm doing a bit better, I just hope that the pendulum doesn't swing back into the negative direction too badly. 

Hourglasses

Today was one of the most quiet days I've had in a long time.  Quiet in the sense that I barely said a word today.  For some reason, I really didn't feel like speaking to anyone or saying anything.  Before AU, one of my favorite things to do was walk around and collect my thoughts.  I told people before how you start to figure out strange things about yourself when you are left alone with nothing but your thoughts.  I used to go for long walks, usually over the Brooklyn bridge, and just think.  This morning, I had to go to my dad's new office to do some data entry.  I decided to walk the few miles to Grand Army Plaza, and started thinking about stuff (mainly about how I can't wait to get the hell out of here). 

There were a lot of nice looking women walking about.  Most are shaped like hourglasses.  I think there's a reason for it.  Our time on this planet is limited.  I need to get my act together and start moving.  Women are a constant reminder of that. 

So I did nothing tonight besides watch some British flicks on IFC.  Lock Stock and 2 Smoking Barrells and Trainspotting (two of my favs).  Some friends went to AC, I wish I could've gone with them.  But tomorrow is the regional dandia, and for some reason, I really want to go.  So tonight was lonely and somewhat depressing.   There's nothing better than topping off a depressing night with a movie about herion addicts. 

It's strange, at the end of AU, I felt like a new person.  For the past few days, I feel like I'm slipping back into the old me, and it doesn't feel good at all.  Just another few weeks before my clean slate.  I'll be surrounded by new people with plenty of opportunities to make new friends.  Probably the last time in my life I'll have an opportunity like this, so I better not blow it. 

Boredom sets in

After getting back from Al Ummah, I spent the week sitting on my ass being bitter about being home.  It was so strange suddenly going from a heavily packed schedule with something to do almost every minute, to having nothing to do at all.  So I spent a lot of time at the mechanic's garage getting all of our cars serviced.  Then went home and felt like pulling my hair out because of the severe boredom.  So yesterday, I finally came back to Brooklyn and went out with some friends.  It was great seeing the crew again.  It felt like I've been away for years.  Sue's mystery man was in town, and he seemed really cool.  He has this awsome South African accent (which is the second coolest accent, next to the Scottish one). 

One of the weirdest things about being back is that I'm not really in contact with my sister anymore.  We spoke for about an hour when I called her from Al Ummah, but since getting back, we didn't spend any time together.  Quite honestly, I don't feel like spending time with her or talking to her much anymore.  I don't want to sound dicky, but I don't get anything out of our conversations anymore.  We don't have much to talk about, plus I'm sick of being judged all the time (despite her supposed good intentions).  Let her do her own thing in Boston, I'm about to head to Atlanta to do my own thing. 

I can't wait to get down to Atl.  It was as if heading away to Al Ummah was the first page of the next chapter of my life.  Now I'm back in the previous chapter, albeit temporarily, and I can't stand it.  I feel like I'm not living my life for me anymore.  Today, I went to my dad's new office and started cutting and pasting computer files.  The thing was the most tedious job I've had to do so far since getting back, but I had to do it.  I can't complain, I need to help dad.  But it's another one of the reasons I want to get away and start living my own life for me. 

Other than that, some of the better moments of my day have been sitting here at the computer talking to some of the kids from AU.  I really wish I got to spend more time with these kids... the conversations are great, and there's so much to talk about with them.  I feel like at camp, I rediscovered what it was like to really live.  To actually open up to people and share your soul.  AK even said towards the end how I was relaxing and letting my guard down.  And it felt pretty damn good to do that.  Now at home, there's nobody to share it with.  That's another one of the reasons I don't feel like talking to my sister anymore... anytime I try to share anything honest, I get that damn condescending stare.  Screw that.

But all bitterness aside, being home has its virtues.  I've been finally having decent food, I've actually had the self discipline to work out regularly.  I've also been less lazy.  I've realized how badly 99.99% of tv sucks, so I'm finding other stuff to do instead of watching crap all the time.  I need to get out of here. 

Going Home?

So as I sit here in Meadville, PA. I'm confused. I can't believe it's been nearly a month since I've gotten here. I'm a bit weirded out to go home and see everyone again. I was thinking about it, it's been a little strange, how I'm only heading home for a month before moving to Atlanta. Thank God. Al-Ummah was the first step in forming my new life. It's only been 3 weeks, but it feels like the experience of several years all compressed into a month.

I'm thinking about the way I was when I first got here. A few weeks back, the counselors all had a few hours off, so we sat in a grassy field and bonded. We were going around, telling eachother our first impressions of one another. Sultan thought I was originally a complete tool. Rightfully so... the first conversation I tried having with him was about Angels & Demons (aka DaVinci Code with different names for the characters). Thinking about the way I was before camp is strange. I feel like I'm a completely different person at this point.

The participants left this morning, the rest of the counselors are napping right now. I'm one of the few who got a good night's rest last night, so I'm blogging for the first time as the cliched 'new me.' I miss the kids already. I was walking around the nasty and dirty hallways of the now empty dormrooms... seeing all the towels and Axe deodorant spray left behind. It finally hit me that they're gone.

To sum up the Al Ummah experience, it really wasn't what I was expecting. It was different and a whole lot more. The first week of counselor camp was fun, but I started sinking into one of my oh so typical but never expressed withdrawals. I was having moodswings, so sometimes I'd be enjoying myself with everyone, other times I was thinking of just vanishing. Week two came around and the participants arrived. I managed to offend a few the first day (but apologized the next day... today I exchanged warm hugs and I miss them already... learned the power of apology and self improvement). Week three I was just taken off guard... I withdrew from most things and just thought about the situation I was in. This past week I felt like the personality I thought I killed and buried within myself came back to life. For the first time in years I feel like I've opened up and let my guard down. And I have to say, it feels pretty good.

I'm heading home on Sunday. I'll share more experiences when I have the chance.